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I broke down in front of you today I thought I was strong enough to face this truth There's just too many things on my mind I had to let go instead of running Ever thought what was it like to fall when you have already fallen and no matter how much you try to get up the mind just gets out of control and your body not move an itch. It puzzles your mind how you fell and why did you even fall How the cuts bled yet you're numb The people seem to come and go and not stop All you could think was "Could I just lie and never get up?" Exhausted, tired and drained out of that energy All you wished was a glass of Martini to cease that moment of helplessness Think I have an alter ego in me that seems to have various voices that whispers within Endless voices that make me seem not to focus abit. I'm losing it, the willpower to ever move on literally draining my focus in my priorities, my goals, my dreams. The pressure of work hits me down under being that perfect educator that people expect of me the expectations of being perfect affects the focus in my workload that is piling like none before The past scars me like it did before I need to get back here to reality, the reality of this world of my life. The question is where to begin? When to begin? How to begin? and What to begin? The drive of being perfect with courage Where did all of these disappeared to? I told someone today that I'm lost and when I'm lost, my mind plays with me so does the heart. At the end of all these, some get hurt including myself. It's just how you see and understand what I'm going through We spoke of old loved we had and how I felt after all of them When Aaron and I ended and we moved along, it's funny how never could I feel one making me feel how I was with him. It became a standard he set you might say. But it's not, hard to explain. I would rather call it "It was just a feeling of being loved on top of the world at that point of time" For an ex gf of mine, I realised what was wrong that never should have started. I grew to love her when we started, it wasn't I loved her and I know I wanted to be with her. Next, came one I knew I loved with all my heart despite the many trails and fate played with us. I dreamt of the day of being his and having his kids. I saw us spending our lives together. I was on top of the world having him and being apart of him. But what I see now, was "Was he too? being part of me?" It was like the last, he grew to love in the process, and not love and wanted to be with me because he wanted to at the every start. As much as it hurt still, I guess he found someone who love him the way he wanted more than I do and make him happy more than I did. Memories will always stay, but I guess they would only live here and not anywhere else. And I guess that's how far I could go, to shed a tear to let go and tell myself "I should go...." I told Dolor today of the many things that filled my mind and heart how imperfect I'm beginning to feel once again how I might fall when I've already fallen so deep yet I know the bruise won't be too bad cause I'm numbed to it. Thank you... for the times you stood by me and offered a shoulder to cry for the times you gave me courage to pick up the broken pieces for the times you showed me there is more to life for the times you showered me with encouragement and love for the times you gave care more than what I needed for the times you believed in me for just believing in just being me Thank you and I love you for that. "I'm on top of the forbidden city with a waving flag and a Cadbury chocz on the other hand" *Winks* You know how this hearts hurts when you see the tears yet you wiped it away and say "I'm always here" the love you show is incredible no words can explain it, only you know. For that little moment of tangled emotions and loss, I pushed myself back to this reality world to be responsible for my actions and identity to move on and be strong in my emotions I'm stronger and more matured now No longer the one I used to be the stranger in disguise the girl with the broken dreams if only you could understand me someday and someway I thought of dreams today of seeing pyramids, koalas and a yankees game, of farm stays for feeding lambs, seeing a beautiful sunset and watching the gunners for just one match. But dreams are just dreams, they are dreams that might fulfill my this life and not the next You might say dreams might come true, I know that too But, I guess fate might let me have just one dream for me to know I'm ready to leave this world. I long for a sight of the beautiful sunset for me to stare at the sun and not be taken away again Dream... just a dream. Poof back! to this world of reality I might make it back here I will and I will do it right.
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+*In Perfect SiLence*+
+*inteRest*!+
+*LookinG ARounD*!+
+*BoreD?*+
Click on START first, and wait till the background color changes. Once it changes, hit STOP! The addiction starts here..
+*Weren't they just memories?*!+
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*RAmblinGs oF a bEaUtiFuL LeTdoWn@ 12:57 AM*